18 Responses

1. Whoa. I didn’t know there was such heated conversation over this topic. Perhaps there should be another term rather than “giftedness” that would be a better descriptor? or is the word “giftedness” actually appropriate? It gets into semantics, I know. How, when, or why was the term “giftedness” ever applied?

   Anyway, great response to the post on Momastery! I had never read her blog before.

   1. You’re right, Divina, it gets into semantics… and the debate over the word itself has been going on for decades. There’s really no great answer except to continue working to educate others that giftedness is, indeed, a special need, and not something people are “bragging” about.

2. This was a kind response to a difficult conversation. I was impressed, too, with Glennon’s attempt to understand and make peace. Thanks, Colleen, for standing your ground for us. It needed said.

   I think you may have made the best defense here, where you wrote

   “I don’t write about parenting children with autism or dyslexia or other issues I have no experience with. I would be insulting the many amazing moms I know who have to deal with these struggles on a daily basis. And, if you’ve never parented a gifted child all day, every day, you shouldn’t write about how all kids are gifted. You can never, ever, know what it’s like.”

   Some may never understand. I know dealing with my “gifted” kid has made me more SENSITIVE to the struggles of parents with “other” issues, but it doesn’t mean I really UNDERSTAND what it’s like to parent my friend’s son who is autistic, gifted and has major sensory issues, all day every day. Patience, compassion, sympathy are all appreciated. Redefinition, not so much.

   So, I say, unless your kid is gifted, please don’t write/talk about it as if you know. There are plenty of us that can. Stick with what you know, like *I* do. And if someone refuses that request, I move on. Life’s too short and I’m struggling to keep up :)

   1. “Life’s too short…”

      Amen, Cristy! We can only do what we can do — and only write what we can write. Our primary focus should be on giving our own kids what they need to be successful and feel loved…. all else is extra, :-)

3. Thankyou Coleen. That was lovely.

   1. Thank you. :-)

4. Very well written.

   1. Thank you, Silvia. I appreciate your comment.

5. I’ve been very hesitant to say I think my kid is gifted because of the reaction I usually get. But it is a challenge to figure him out. He doesn’t fit the normal learning progressions that most other kids follow. I really appreciate all you share here, it has helped me so much in figuring out how to meet my kids needs. Even the toddler that is “normal” in every way! It is about meeting your kids where they are.

   1. Cannot wait to chat with you in Chicago, Becky Marie!

6. Three cheers and a heaping pile of “Thank you” for this post. This is something that we struggle with constantly (and have since Lex was about 2 years old). We never want to alienate anyone, but you’re right- why is it okay to sing the praises of a talented athlete, but not the brilliant child? It is refreshing to find other parents who understand the frustration. Thank you.

   1. Angelo & Jackie — It was SO great to meet you guys at GHC and connect. Yes! I always find it refreshing to find other parents who get it. We need to stick together and keep having these conversations because the current views of giftedness are just not acceptable or fair to our children. Thank you for checking out the site and commenting. I’m finally in a place where I’m beginning to catch up after the two weekends in a row away. Now it’s time for ME to check out your online world! :-) Keep in touch.

7. I think the terms gifted and talented have been widely misunderstood, largely because we each assign our own definition based on our own preconceived notions on what gifted is instead of realizing that giftedness has varying degrees (the child whose bright, the child who is gifted (performs higher than the average population on a curve), in all areas or key areas.., and still others who perform higher than average in only one area. I do believe that as people we all possess qualities, skills or God given “gifts” that make us better in some things OR Exceptional at them compared to others… and this makes a child gifted or exceptional in their own right. it just all depends on whether or not these “exceptional traits” are ALL captured by intelligence tests (there’s even debate on the efficacy amongst intelligence tests based on what age tests are given etc., so if a child is tested in one then there’s still a chance he can test differently on another). I dont think intelligence tests do a good job of testing soft skills superior intelligence (emotional intelligence factors) compared to the academic/intellectual skills they were designed to measure. So a mom who has a gifted child in these realms like say charisma/emotional intelligence ( which would cause for exceptional performance in the areas of politics, social influencing/leadership.. the entertainment industry could qualify them as gifted) BUT they would never be able to present proof or accurate scores on HOW gifted they are with a regular intelligence test, but only show their performance on the other markers. How gifted they are would have to rely on other’s supporting it (teachers, coaches, other highly respected indivduals.. like judges in a contest). So as you can see there’s “plenty of giftedness” that is currently not properly captured through a test and therefore failing to be classified as a level of “giftedness” as we currently know it in our society. so to say that these parents dont have gifted children is something that we cannot ascertain in totality yet to make sweeping generalizations about who should or shouldnt be gifted. unless we compare only the iq scores of kids of CERTAIN specific iq test they took. then we could say. you’re bright, you’re gifted, and you’re a genius based on where your scores fall. therefore i think we should approach the subject compassionately and less brazenly – asking parents to compare “how gifted” or “what score did your kid get” – kind of approach… is just unfair not only to the parents but the children we’re imposing our judgement on. while test scores are great for kids with THAT kind of intelligence/giftedness markers that the test is DESIGNED to capture- there are kinds of giftedness that our current intelligence tests fail to capture.

8. As one who grew up with the ‘gifted’ label as well as a mom who is raising two children who would be considered ‘gifted’ (and a couple with LDs) I think this article is just another one of those that fall along the lines of superiorty complex.
   I was labled as ‘gifted’ as a child, supposedly have an IQ of 137 and I can tell you that it it placed strange, inappropriate pressures on me and also left me sorely under-supported in critical ways. If you want to label a child, fine. BUT NEVER ALLOW THAT LABEL TO DEFINE THEM!!! (yes, I am shouting.)
   I could never really figure out what you mean by ‘gifted’. So, I don’t feel like we are on the same page. However, I can see that each child has a giftedness in some area. I don’t care who you are, you are going to have some talent or ability that is extraordinary when compared to others, as well as some profoundly weak areas. Saying that someone who excels in areas that are easily identifiable, testable. or are ideal for a classroom setting does not define the sum total of giftedness.
   In reality, the goal for each parent should be to support their child in a way that best fosters that child’s growth. The ultimate goal is to eventually have adults that can support themselves and (hopefully) make a contribution to society. Sadly, I have seen too many ‘gifted’ children not achieve that goal because their giftedness is so honed-in on that the rest of their development as people is left to wither and die.
   If you want to say that we should all support each in our parenting endeavors, fine. Everyone is gifted, absolutley EVERYONE. Every parent struggles to parent their children. A lot of parents don’t even understand what gifting their child may have because it is often defined so narrowly.

   1. I don’t know, Christina. I was also identified as gifted when I was child, but somehow fell through the cracks. No additional support, no differentiated instruction. I didn’t even know. So, when I was seventeen in my senior year in high school I told my guidance counselor that I wasn’t capable of going to college (I had a C average) and also told her that there was something seriously wrong with me because I wasn’t interested in anything that was happening at my school. I never did my homework, never studied and rarely paid attention in class. I didn’t care about the prom or about the latest gossip. Then she looked at my records and told me that I had been identified as gifted when I was in elementary school. She said I had to go to college and that she would help me through the application process. Finding out changed my life. I started working on not thinking that I was ‘stupid’ and that there was something fundamentally ‘wrong’ with me. Just because everyone has something they may be good at, doesn’t mean that intellectually gifted kids should be left out in the cold.

9. Well-said. Something that needs to be said, and you did it very diplomatically and sensitively.

10. This topic has been weighing on me for a bit and I’m so happy you spoke up! I am a genius, and my daughter is showing those lines… and it’s not easy! People really just think it means smart but they don’t know the “other” stuff that goes along with it. How I struggle so much socially and to do everyday tasks like household chores, while trying to help my daughter build resiliency and navigate a world where she intellectually understands more than she emotionally can handle. Deciding if my child should be in classrooms with children who are much older than her and might influence her in ways that she’s not ready, or keep her with similar-aged peers where she is deeply unhappy and turning to dominant (bullying) behaviour because she’s bored? Neither really feels like an “option.” (Oh, and that whole decision to part-school, part-homeschool… that’s a landmine in itself, because now I’m outwardly saying my kid’s too smart to be in school all day with “regular” kids.)
    Yes, as one commenter said, we shouldn’t let labels define us, but the labels sometimes help us connect with other parents who are experiencing similar struggles.

11. I honestly don’t know why this is such a loaded descriptor…I just know it is. While I can agree that generally each child has something s/he is especially good at that should be celebrated, that’s not the same as being gifted. I feel like *if* people in general could accept it as a simple characteristic describing how someone is wired to experience learning and the world, it wouldn’t need to be defended so much. Gifted children could receive their opportunity for wonder in learning, a chance to be stretched and grow, without themselves feeling burdened by expectations that may or may not be there or others feeling diminished by it.